A SCHOOL TURNED INTO AN ABATTOIR   in Peshawar (Pakistan), on Dec.16^th. It is five days now but the pain is raw.  I went through a gamut of emotions when I first heard about it. First it was numbness and then slowly it grew into an uncontrollable anger and the anger turned into helplessness at the impotence of my anger.  I know for sure, many would resonate with my feelings. I could imagine the immediate reaction of parents, after hearing the news, giving their children a tight hug and thanking God that their kids are safe.   The main reason for the outpour of grief from Indian sub-continent, as I believe, is the realization that this could have happened to us. Have we not been victims of terrorism again and again?

If we look at History terrorism is not something new now but has been practiced in various forms. We also have the knowledge about government sponsored terrorism.  The terrorist methods applied by states include censorship, tortures, abductions, extrajudicial executions and in some cases, mass killings and genocide. The power of the totalitarian regime has in principle, no limits. We learn from History genocide killing of six million Jews. Churchill considered the bombing of German civilian population would break their will in supporting Nazis.  However he regretted it later. JALLIANWALLA BAGH MASSACRE is etched in our memory where more than 5000 innocent people died.

Islamic terror which is politically and religiously motivated is different in one aspect- using large scale suicide as a weapon to kill a mass population. This seems to be their most dangerous weapon. By accepting one’s own death the terrorists are no longer driven by the most essential human feature- the desire to live.  September 11^th,2001 is a proof of this.  This again is stored in our memory.

We use words like “beastly”, “brutal”, “savage”, “barbaric” in condemning the act of terrorism and the pain it inflicts, loses its sharpness as time passes by and the visuals fade away. Ministers and VVIPs and celebrities insulate themselves with body guards and many a time it becomes a status point to talk about the kind of human shield they have. What can we, the lesser mortals do other than pray and hope?  If only we could have an egalitarian society!

We all are aware that where there is a “rise” there is a “fall” too. So far, we have witnessed the “rise” of terrorism and now our children are waiting to see the “fall” of it.  Let us not compromise our laws and curtail the human rights. Let us not reduce ourselves to celebrating the arrival of our children from school alive.  Let us not live with these horrendous memories. Is this the reason why Shakespeare said “pluck out the memory of rooted sorrow”?

Let this not become another chapter in the History.

From a wandering mind. 

                                            Live-in Relationships

A few days back I watched Mani Ratnam’s  Tamil movie which  was based on live-in relationship.

My mind automatically connected his movie to two other movies- one -36,Chowringhee lane(1981) directed by Aparna Sen and the other- Friends with Benefits(2011) directed by Will Gluck.

In 36 Chowringhee lane it is about how a couple take advantage of an old lady’s status and use her flat   for their physical intimacy and later how they shun the old lady once they get married. The picture does not dwell on the living in relationship but on the loneliness and helplessness of an old lady.

In Friends with benefits it is about how the relationship gets complicated when two young friends decide to add sex to that.

There is another common factor in all the three movies that I cite here. All the three directors producing the films in different periods have added a character suffering from Alzheimer disease. Now I wonder whether there is any connection or is it just a coincidence?

I am not here to give a critical analysis of the films or the skills of the directors. But the subject “live-in” relationship sure intrigues me.  It is more so when I witnessed lots of youngsters thronging the cinema hall, cheering the young characters in Mani Ratnam’s  movie.

Live-in relationship is most popular among the young couples but it occurs among other age groups as well. It prevails both among young people who are not yet ready for a comprehensive committed relationship and among mature people who are already in a committed relationship but are not satisfied with just being “friends” and want a “plus” added on to it without any further commitment.

Live-in relationship has no “strings attached”; “no questions asked” policy is also associated with it. It is supposed to be without the emotional turmoil and commitment. The bond in friendship with benefits is typically temporary and conditional but if one partner falls in love with the other complications arise when the other partner does not reciprocate.  Then it becomes painful and destructive.

There is this thought which disturbs me. Why the young people do not want to get involved in marital union? Is it fear of divorce? Why do they choose cohabitation over marriage?

Is it a way to test-drive the relationship before getting married? Many fear marriage in a large sense. It could be because a) stories about high profile divorce b) media’s constant citation of the statistic that one out of two marriages  is destined to fail. The contentious nature of how relationships are portrayed worry today’s young adults.

No one embraces the idea of divorce, but, fear of divorce has never been a deterrent to marrying. People fear divorce for various reasons. Psychological, emotional and economic and whichever reason resonates with them can be sufficient to keep them from getting married at all. Some worry largely about the emotional turmoil that could result from divorce. They feel the potential pitfalls of divorce make them question whether marriage is worth it. There are also legal and financial “hassles” that make them shy away from marriage. Therefore they may think that the benefits of marriage are not sufficient enough to counter the potential psychological and financial pain of divorce.

Though Mani Ratnam’s film ends with a definitive answer (marriage between the friends) there is no clear answer to this.  

I love this quote by  Kahlil  Gibran

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. 

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Yesterday I was asked by a shopkeeper , this question “where do you come from?” This is not the first time I have been asked this question and this will not be the last. But every time when I’m asked this I am at a loss for an answer. The question by itself is very simple and not from any angle glamorous . Many would name their state with great pride. To me it is a very complicated answer. I wish I could tell them I come from five elements-air, water, earth, fire and sky. This would sound cocky, saucy and impudent on my part.

On a serious note, where do I come from?  Where is my home?  What ascertains one’s home? Is it the place of birth? Is it an ancestral place one never sets eyes upon? Or is it a place where one’s formative years are spent or is it a place where one dwells on compulsion because of livelihood or marriage or millions of other reasons.  What do you call as your home?

I think I would call a place my home not for any of the above reasons but simply because it defines me. It accepts me for what I am and gives me space for my stillness.  My home is where my heart is. I do not have to live in it, I do not have to even visit it but rejoice in its simplicity and in its greatness.  To me concrete building is not a home where I can sleep but a vast expanse valley snaking its way to the sea engulfed by the great hills. That is my home.  I may not have come from there but one day I would like to reach there.  To my home- my destination. 

                                            Does "AWE & WONDER" mean Ignorance 

Last week I was sent an image of flowers of a tree which were of feminine shape and form.  This invoked wonder in me and my natural instinct was to post it in my face book so that my friends could experience this joy.  In my excitement I did not check the authenticity of the image which some of my friends did and pointed out to me.  The image was clearly morphed in a rustic way.

This ignited my mind to wander off to a different subject but not in a random way. It is about the absence of awe and wonder which is one of the most important emotional experiences.

In the words of Rev.Samuel A. Trumbore:

“This is the sadness. I think many of us experience in relation to wonder and awe. As we get older, there is less and less that is new and surprising. We have all seen so much in our lifetimes. It is the curse of good education and a sharp, perceptive mind that by middle age, you know a great deal and by old age, you have seen it all.  There is more for us to know than we can ever take in but the experience of surprise comes less and less”.

Many of us think that the capacity for the experience of wonder and awe is gone forever.  This is not true once we start recalling the magic of our childhood. When we think of our childhood memories many of them, we will realize, were experienced in awe and wonder.  I was born in a metropolitan city and my formative years were spent there.  The name of the city would definitely incite words like “dirty”, “polluted” in outsiders’ minds.  But my most wonderful experiences still act as a unifying agent with my city of birth. The warmth, simplicity, intellect, richness of culture, the acceptance- all these experiences that I enjoyed and was nurtured still gives me a sense of wonder and awe.  A ride by tram-car, playing on the streets, spending some of the evenings at local parks, eating “puchkas”  (widely known as pani-poori)  are no less than awe and wonder for me.

Incidentally, I see less and less children escorted by their parents to the local parks. Imagine this: a mother tenderly taking her child’s hand in hers and leading the tiny hand to the leaf or a flower of a tree and letting the child feel the texture of the leaf, the smell of the flower and see the colour of the leaf. The child by this simple gesture experiences the touch, the smell, the sight – all taught by his/her beloved mother. Remember – the mother is the first teacher of every child. She introduces the father of the child to the baby. Her teaching starts from that day.  I’m sure when the child grows up to an adult he/she will recall not only the wonderful experience but also his/her mother’s tender face and gentle voice and the warmth of her love. He/she may not recall how often their parents took them to Pizza Hut or McDonalds but the experience of them taken to a park and taught lovingly will be etched in their memory for ever.

I feel we insulate ourselves from this powerful emotion.  I am going to cite a few quotes to strengthen my observation. Joshua Heschel (theologian) said, “Mankind will not perish for want of information; but only for want of appreciation. The beginning of our happiness lies in the understanding that life without wonder is not worth living”.  

Sadly, we have created a materialist culture and we believe power will give us control. Instead of increasing our awe and wonder in the magnificence of creation, we use our knowledge to gain power over it by analyzing it.  In our society ignorance means weakness; shame.

Let us keep the element of “surprise” in our lives.

Rumi, a 13^th century Persian poet, a theologian, Sufi mystic  said “sell your cleverness and practice bewilderness”.

No words of mine can be a better ending sentence than this.

Self-worth

                                         

                                           Self-worth

If you are asked to write about 5 good qualities of yours and equal number of your bad qualities would you be able to do it? Why is this question? Because in my observation i have found that it is easy for most of us to enumerate our bad qualities while it takes longer time to think of our own good qualities. The reason is we do not recognize our own unique value yet we expect others to recognize ours. We give huge emphasis on self-esteem while we are completely unaware of our self-worth. Our self-esteem depends largely on external sources like how other people think of us and we rate ourselves accordingly ; while our self worth is totally missed by us which is intrinsic in nature. It is the truth of what we are.  Sadly we let others take away this. The challenge is we have given ourselves' worth into the hands of others to determine how good or bad we are.  It is important for us to remember that our level of success is equal to our level of self-worth. Let me not undermine the importance of self-knowledge and self-development here.  I repeat again we all are unique in nature and sooner we reclaim our values the better we will feel and finally our happiness depends on what values we bring to this world.   It is absolute ignorance to say others make us or mar us because it is not the truth. I would like to explain my point with an analogy here. A hundred rupee currency note is worth its value irrespective of its domain. Its value does not increase because it is coming from an expensive leather valet or its value does not decrease because it is stored in a rusty tin. The value remains the same. Whether you buy groceries with it or buy hard wares, you are going to get your hundred rupee's worth. Nothing more; nothing less. If your currency falls in a drain or is torn accidentally still it is worth hundred rupee. IT IS THE SAME WITH US.  In this journey of ours we are often abused, crushed, stomped on; but our value never ever changes. Let us not give away our value to others. We all are magnificent human beings with amazing gifts. This world will be a better place if we know the true value -what we really are.  

                                           Loneliness and Old age


Antony Chekov's short story "Misery" brings forth the importance of listening. The story goes like this: Iona Potapov, the protagonist of this story ,is a father who loses his son to a cruel disease and he yearns to tell his feelings, pains, emotions, anguish, distress to any body who would listen to him.  His pain grows when he sees there is not a single person in the whole village who is ready to share  his sorrow, his affliction in losing his boy.. Finally he goes to his stable and tells a horse his story, how his son suffered on  the journey towards death. He bares his heart to the horse and  that makes him feel better. What does the story tell us?  It is this. Listening is very vital in our life.The person who listens not only gives moral strength to the speaker but his own life is enriched. The mere presence of his, gives solace to the one who bereaves ; the silence says it all. Non-verbal empathy is more important than sympathy in certain circumstances. Silence speaks volumes. We see in our everyday life how patients, particularly, the old, desolate, uncaring ones long  for some physical presence . Yearning to be taken care of, to be heard, to be included , comes from loneliness.

So, old age and loneliness - are they co-related?  Yes, to a large extent. Absence of work, feeling of abandonment, perceived social isolation, loss of mobility, age related disease - all these give rise to negative feelings . Advancing age predisposes people to those experiences which can lead to isolation, bereavement, relocation and retirement. What is striking though, both isolation and loneliness are most common among  women than in men due to the fact that women are more likely to be widowed and living alone. Living alone has been equated with social isolation but not all those living alone are isolated.  In the present social structure living alone has become a choice rather than an imposition.  Almost everyone is well prepared financially so that he/she doesn't have to depend on his/her near and dear ones in old age for their physical needs.

But, is financial independence a replacement for mental loneliness?  In old age people need somebody  to share their thoughts, their experiences, their wisdom and when this does not happen, loneliness torments them.  We find, with each passing year, the mushrooming of old age homes. There are all kinds of such homes starting from providing basic needs to royal luxury and one has the choice of picking according to one's own affordability.  In these old age homes you are given all physical facilities; good food, 24 hour  vigilance, in-house doctors, and for your intellectual needs - various religious discourses, direct involvement in intellectual debates and musical concerts and so on and so forth. But do these facilities stop one from feeling lonely? No. Why is it so? The reason for this may be the absence of a confiding relationship. Loneliness is related inversely to frequency of contact with children and friends but not neighbours. 

What I think is, we should, from an early age, cultivate the habit of satisfaction and curb the desire of expectation. We should also learn to change ourselves according to the needs of time and not expect others to change for us. Let us return  to the habit of  reading books, writing  and be of small help to our neighbours; particularly if the neighbours are young ones, where both husband and wife go to work.  In times of emergency we can drop their children to the bus stop, bring them home which will be appreciated earnestly by the young parents; in turn this will give us immense satisfaction. Not only the isolation from the neighbours does not do good; it may also prove disadvantageous. The greatest thing about the relationship with one's neighbour is there is no emotional attachment which in turn gives rise to freedom and space. Well, in every relationship there is an invisible line which if crossed brings only grievance and sudden end. As long as there is mutual respect, the relationship with neighbours can soar sky high.

So? Old age is not a difficult phase, neither it is necessarily characterized by loneliness and isolation. Evening is an essential part of the day; so also is old age a part of a man's life.  Nobody grows old by living a number of  years- "we become old by deserting our goals".

                                      Said the little boy, "sometimes I drop my spoon."

                                      Said the old man, "I do that too."

                                       The little boy whispered, "I wet my pants."

                                       "I do that too", laughed the little old man,

                                       Said the little boy, "I often cry."

                                       The old man nodded, "so do I."

                                       "But worst of all" said the boy, "it seems

                                        Grown-ups don't pay attention to me."

                                        And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.

                                       "I know what you mean", said the little old man.

   

        

                                                                                   -Shel Silverstein

    

                                               
                                                  Sensitive Relationship


The other day i was listening to a boy (a PU second year student) saying this on air: "Doctor, I don't like my parents. I don't recognize them any more. They undermine my qualities; lay down draconian laws of do's and don'ts, use harsh language, mistrust me and it all hurts me. What do I do, Doctor?"  I could feel the pain, anguish, the fear, the anxiety and the suffering in his voice.  You might, now be interested in the Doctor's reply. The first among many things he said was not to antagonize his parents and always remember that whatever his parents were saying was for his own good and they had their best intentions for him though the method of displaying could be a contentious issue.

When i heard this boy, i felt a tremendous respect for him for the following reasons.
a) He recognized that he was disturbed and that there was an issue here.
b) He identified the cause of the disturbance.
c) He deduced correctly that if he had to end the way he was feeling,  he should be the one to take steps to        
    resolve.
d) He approached a counsellor.

Listening to him I thought we would get to hear many more complaints of this nature ; particularly when the exams are approaching.  This also triggered my thoughts about the relationship between mother and child which we usually consider as the most smooth one. The child  is totally dependent on its parents for its physical and emotional support ; while in its(boy or  girl) growing years  the dependency on the parents diminishes.  I am taking a broader view on this subject and my assessments need not necessarily be applicable to all parents/Children.  What I feel is, during the growing years their needs and priorities change vastly and it may be one of the reasons the relationship seems to get strained. The distance between the parents and children grow wider and both the parties may be unaware of this.  Parents, not conscious of the change do not alter their tactics towards the children while the children think parents are wielding enormous powers ; are insensitive to their feelings and  are interfering monsters.  The tumultuous emotions between the two are most misunderstood by both the parties.

I have heard of parents saying, " oh! I really don't know what  i'm doing for my child is enough" or " am i doing the right thing when i tell my boy he knows best".  Both these questions come from guilt, over concern, anxiety for their children.  One parent thinks whatever she does (like monitoring the child's studies) is not enough and another parent wonders by giving freedom of choice to her boy whether she is driving him to over-confidence? If the stay-at-home mother goes through one type of emotion, the working mother experiences different form of stress- basically both coming from guilt.  The mother who does not earn in terms of money, thinks that she is inefficient and not self-worthy and holds herself responsible for every failure particularly where her children's studies are concerned.  Perhaps the degree of guilt is more in the working mother because she thinks she is not physically present for her children and therefore she is likely to  use carrot and stick method more.

We know reward and punishment are always counter productive though they may elicit temporary compliance.  Punishments tend to generate anger, defiance and desire for revenge while rewards may cause children to lose interest in whatever they are doing. Intrinsic motivation, that is an interest in the task for its own sake , is qualitatively different from extrinsic motivation which is completion of the task.

What  we  can see though, is  that the children have positive emotions (such as happiness) and positive physical feelings (such as being well rested and being well fed). As parents, we all know that changes in emotional and physiological states are an inevitable part of children's everyday experience and making them aware of these will help in their performances.

Now to the other side of the coin
If we think reward and retribution are misguided method  we also come across numerous incidents where children manipulate their parents and teachers in different ways.  The growing number of suicides by the students is a great concern to the society as a whole.  In order to combat this evil, the teachers are instructed to form an extremely simple questionnaire and asked to be very lenient in their corrections. The syllabus is also diluted to make it student-friendly. The students do not understand that ultimately they are the ones to suffer because of the poor standard. It is really a catch 22 situation.

The parents' concern (exaggerated in some cases) for their children and the children's lack of clarity  based on numerous factors like communication gap, peer pressure, misguided ideas cause a dilemma. Life is not about success or failure; it is the journey towards the goal.  Our strife becomes more important than the destination itself.

What i see as  a solution is, a free chat between parents and children and if that isn't possible (young ones get very irritated and see the chats as sermons) to contact a knowledgeable person on how to deal with the situation.  A third person will always see things in a different angle because he/she is not emotionally connected. Discussion always helps.

My humble suggestion is that all  the schools should include meditation in their curriculum.  Through my sister who is a principal in a leading school in Calcutta, I learn that many schools have included meditation in their daily routine which is a very welcoming news. Implementation of meditation is very important which will  help the students to focus in their studies and regard their Examinations as a friend and not as a tyrant. Meditation not only sharpens the mind and prepares the students in their academics but also helps them to face life with courage and determination.

                                               Parents rarely let go of their children,
                                               so children let go of them,
                                              They move on. They move away.
                                              The moments that used to define them are covered by
                                              moments of their non accomplishments.

                                               It is not until much later, that
                                              children understand
                                              their stories and all their accomplishments,
                                              sit atop the stories
                                             of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones,
                                             beneath the water of their lives.
                                             Paulo Coelho