Live-in Relationships

A few days back I watched Mani Ratnam’s  Tamil movie which  was based on live-in relationship.

My mind automatically connected his movie to two other movies- one -36,Chowringhee lane(1981) directed by Aparna Sen and the other- Friends with Benefits(2011) directed by Will Gluck.

In 36 Chowringhee lane it is about how a couple take advantage of an old lady’s status and use her flat   for their physical intimacy and later how they shun the old lady once they get married. The picture does not dwell on the living in relationship but on the loneliness and helplessness of an old lady.

In Friends with benefits it is about how the relationship gets complicated when two young friends decide to add sex to that.

There is another common factor in all the three movies that I cite here. All the three directors producing the films in different periods have added a character suffering from Alzheimer disease. Now I wonder whether there is any connection or is it just a coincidence?

I am not here to give a critical analysis of the films or the skills of the directors. But the subject “live-in” relationship sure intrigues me.  It is more so when I witnessed lots of youngsters thronging the cinema hall, cheering the young characters in Mani Ratnam’s  movie.

Live-in relationship is most popular among the young couples but it occurs among other age groups as well. It prevails both among young people who are not yet ready for a comprehensive committed relationship and among mature people who are already in a committed relationship but are not satisfied with just being “friends” and want a “plus” added on to it without any further commitment.

Live-in relationship has no “strings attached”; “no questions asked” policy is also associated with it. It is supposed to be without the emotional turmoil and commitment. The bond in friendship with benefits is typically temporary and conditional but if one partner falls in love with the other complications arise when the other partner does not reciprocate.  Then it becomes painful and destructive.

There is this thought which disturbs me. Why the young people do not want to get involved in marital union? Is it fear of divorce? Why do they choose cohabitation over marriage?

Is it a way to test-drive the relationship before getting married? Many fear marriage in a large sense. It could be because a) stories about high profile divorce b) media’s constant citation of the statistic that one out of two marriages  is destined to fail. The contentious nature of how relationships are portrayed worry today’s young adults.

No one embraces the idea of divorce, but, fear of divorce has never been a deterrent to marrying. People fear divorce for various reasons. Psychological, emotional and economic and whichever reason resonates with them can be sufficient to keep them from getting married at all. Some worry largely about the emotional turmoil that could result from divorce. They feel the potential pitfalls of divorce make them question whether marriage is worth it. There are also legal and financial “hassles” that make them shy away from marriage. Therefore they may think that the benefits of marriage are not sufficient enough to counter the potential psychological and financial pain of divorce.

Though Mani Ratnam’s film ends with a definitive answer (marriage between the friends) there is no clear answer to this.  

I love this quote by  Kahlil  Gibran

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. 

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.