Loneliness and Old age


Antony Chekov's short story "Misery" brings forth the importance of listening. The story goes like this: Iona Potapov, the protagonist of this story ,is a father who loses his son to a cruel disease and he yearns to tell his feelings, pains, emotions, anguish, distress to any body who would listen to him.  His pain grows when he sees there is not a single person in the whole village who is ready to share  his sorrow, his affliction in losing his boy.. Finally he goes to his stable and tells a horse his story, how his son suffered on  the journey towards death. He bares his heart to the horse and  that makes him feel better. What does the story tell us?  It is this. Listening is very vital in our life.The person who listens not only gives moral strength to the speaker but his own life is enriched. The mere presence of his, gives solace to the one who bereaves ; the silence says it all. Non-verbal empathy is more important than sympathy in certain circumstances. Silence speaks volumes. We see in our everyday life how patients, particularly, the old, desolate, uncaring ones long  for some physical presence . Yearning to be taken care of, to be heard, to be included , comes from loneliness.

So, old age and loneliness - are they co-related?  Yes, to a large extent. Absence of work, feeling of abandonment, perceived social isolation, loss of mobility, age related disease - all these give rise to negative feelings . Advancing age predisposes people to those experiences which can lead to isolation, bereavement, relocation and retirement. What is striking though, both isolation and loneliness are most common among  women than in men due to the fact that women are more likely to be widowed and living alone. Living alone has been equated with social isolation but not all those living alone are isolated.  In the present social structure living alone has become a choice rather than an imposition.  Almost everyone is well prepared financially so that he/she doesn't have to depend on his/her near and dear ones in old age for their physical needs.

But, is financial independence a replacement for mental loneliness?  In old age people need somebody  to share their thoughts, their experiences, their wisdom and when this does not happen, loneliness torments them.  We find, with each passing year, the mushrooming of old age homes. There are all kinds of such homes starting from providing basic needs to royal luxury and one has the choice of picking according to one's own affordability.  In these old age homes you are given all physical facilities; good food, 24 hour  vigilance, in-house doctors, and for your intellectual needs - various religious discourses, direct involvement in intellectual debates and musical concerts and so on and so forth. But do these facilities stop one from feeling lonely? No. Why is it so? The reason for this may be the absence of a confiding relationship. Loneliness is related inversely to frequency of contact with children and friends but not neighbours. 

What I think is, we should, from an early age, cultivate the habit of satisfaction and curb the desire of expectation. We should also learn to change ourselves according to the needs of time and not expect others to change for us. Let us return  to the habit of  reading books, writing  and be of small help to our neighbours; particularly if the neighbours are young ones, where both husband and wife go to work.  In times of emergency we can drop their children to the bus stop, bring them home which will be appreciated earnestly by the young parents; in turn this will give us immense satisfaction. Not only the isolation from the neighbours does not do good; it may also prove disadvantageous. The greatest thing about the relationship with one's neighbour is there is no emotional attachment which in turn gives rise to freedom and space. Well, in every relationship there is an invisible line which if crossed brings only grievance and sudden end. As long as there is mutual respect, the relationship with neighbours can soar sky high.

So? Old age is not a difficult phase, neither it is necessarily characterized by loneliness and isolation. Evening is an essential part of the day; so also is old age a part of a man's life.  Nobody grows old by living a number of  years- "we become old by deserting our goals".

                                      Said the little boy, "sometimes I drop my spoon."

                                      Said the old man, "I do that too."

                                       The little boy whispered, "I wet my pants."

                                       "I do that too", laughed the little old man,

                                       Said the little boy, "I often cry."

                                       The old man nodded, "so do I."

                                       "But worst of all" said the boy, "it seems

                                        Grown-ups don't pay attention to me."

                                        And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.

                                       "I know what you mean", said the little old man.

   

        

                                                                                   -Shel Silverstein

    

                                               
                                                  Sensitive Relationship


The other day i was listening to a boy (a PU second year student) saying this on air: "Doctor, I don't like my parents. I don't recognize them any more. They undermine my qualities; lay down draconian laws of do's and don'ts, use harsh language, mistrust me and it all hurts me. What do I do, Doctor?"  I could feel the pain, anguish, the fear, the anxiety and the suffering in his voice.  You might, now be interested in the Doctor's reply. The first among many things he said was not to antagonize his parents and always remember that whatever his parents were saying was for his own good and they had their best intentions for him though the method of displaying could be a contentious issue.

When i heard this boy, i felt a tremendous respect for him for the following reasons.
a) He recognized that he was disturbed and that there was an issue here.
b) He identified the cause of the disturbance.
c) He deduced correctly that if he had to end the way he was feeling,  he should be the one to take steps to        
    resolve.
d) He approached a counsellor.

Listening to him I thought we would get to hear many more complaints of this nature ; particularly when the exams are approaching.  This also triggered my thoughts about the relationship between mother and child which we usually consider as the most smooth one. The child  is totally dependent on its parents for its physical and emotional support ; while in its(boy or  girl) growing years  the dependency on the parents diminishes.  I am taking a broader view on this subject and my assessments need not necessarily be applicable to all parents/Children.  What I feel is, during the growing years their needs and priorities change vastly and it may be one of the reasons the relationship seems to get strained. The distance between the parents and children grow wider and both the parties may be unaware of this.  Parents, not conscious of the change do not alter their tactics towards the children while the children think parents are wielding enormous powers ; are insensitive to their feelings and  are interfering monsters.  The tumultuous emotions between the two are most misunderstood by both the parties.

I have heard of parents saying, " oh! I really don't know what  i'm doing for my child is enough" or " am i doing the right thing when i tell my boy he knows best".  Both these questions come from guilt, over concern, anxiety for their children.  One parent thinks whatever she does (like monitoring the child's studies) is not enough and another parent wonders by giving freedom of choice to her boy whether she is driving him to over-confidence? If the stay-at-home mother goes through one type of emotion, the working mother experiences different form of stress- basically both coming from guilt.  The mother who does not earn in terms of money, thinks that she is inefficient and not self-worthy and holds herself responsible for every failure particularly where her children's studies are concerned.  Perhaps the degree of guilt is more in the working mother because she thinks she is not physically present for her children and therefore she is likely to  use carrot and stick method more.

We know reward and punishment are always counter productive though they may elicit temporary compliance.  Punishments tend to generate anger, defiance and desire for revenge while rewards may cause children to lose interest in whatever they are doing. Intrinsic motivation, that is an interest in the task for its own sake , is qualitatively different from extrinsic motivation which is completion of the task.

What  we  can see though, is  that the children have positive emotions (such as happiness) and positive physical feelings (such as being well rested and being well fed). As parents, we all know that changes in emotional and physiological states are an inevitable part of children's everyday experience and making them aware of these will help in their performances.

Now to the other side of the coin
If we think reward and retribution are misguided method  we also come across numerous incidents where children manipulate their parents and teachers in different ways.  The growing number of suicides by the students is a great concern to the society as a whole.  In order to combat this evil, the teachers are instructed to form an extremely simple questionnaire and asked to be very lenient in their corrections. The syllabus is also diluted to make it student-friendly. The students do not understand that ultimately they are the ones to suffer because of the poor standard. It is really a catch 22 situation.

The parents' concern (exaggerated in some cases) for their children and the children's lack of clarity  based on numerous factors like communication gap, peer pressure, misguided ideas cause a dilemma. Life is not about success or failure; it is the journey towards the goal.  Our strife becomes more important than the destination itself.

What i see as  a solution is, a free chat between parents and children and if that isn't possible (young ones get very irritated and see the chats as sermons) to contact a knowledgeable person on how to deal with the situation.  A third person will always see things in a different angle because he/she is not emotionally connected. Discussion always helps.

My humble suggestion is that all  the schools should include meditation in their curriculum.  Through my sister who is a principal in a leading school in Calcutta, I learn that many schools have included meditation in their daily routine which is a very welcoming news. Implementation of meditation is very important which will  help the students to focus in their studies and regard their Examinations as a friend and not as a tyrant. Meditation not only sharpens the mind and prepares the students in their academics but also helps them to face life with courage and determination.

                                               Parents rarely let go of their children,
                                               so children let go of them,
                                              They move on. They move away.
                                              The moments that used to define them are covered by
                                              moments of their non accomplishments.

                                               It is not until much later, that
                                              children understand
                                              their stories and all their accomplishments,
                                              sit atop the stories
                                             of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones,
                                             beneath the water of their lives.
                                             Paulo Coelho