Sensitive Relationship


The other day i was listening to a boy (a PU second year student) saying this on air: "Doctor, I don't like my parents. I don't recognize them any more. They undermine my qualities; lay down draconian laws of do's and don'ts, use harsh language, mistrust me and it all hurts me. What do I do, Doctor?"  I could feel the pain, anguish, the fear, the anxiety and the suffering in his voice.  You might, now be interested in the Doctor's reply. The first among many things he said was not to antagonize his parents and always remember that whatever his parents were saying was for his own good and they had their best intentions for him though the method of displaying could be a contentious issue.

When i heard this boy, i felt a tremendous respect for him for the following reasons.
a) He recognized that he was disturbed and that there was an issue here.
b) He identified the cause of the disturbance.
c) He deduced correctly that if he had to end the way he was feeling,  he should be the one to take steps to        
    resolve.
d) He approached a counsellor.

Listening to him I thought we would get to hear many more complaints of this nature ; particularly when the exams are approaching.  This also triggered my thoughts about the relationship between mother and child which we usually consider as the most smooth one. The child  is totally dependent on its parents for its physical and emotional support ; while in its(boy or  girl) growing years  the dependency on the parents diminishes.  I am taking a broader view on this subject and my assessments need not necessarily be applicable to all parents/Children.  What I feel is, during the growing years their needs and priorities change vastly and it may be one of the reasons the relationship seems to get strained. The distance between the parents and children grow wider and both the parties may be unaware of this.  Parents, not conscious of the change do not alter their tactics towards the children while the children think parents are wielding enormous powers ; are insensitive to their feelings and  are interfering monsters.  The tumultuous emotions between the two are most misunderstood by both the parties.

I have heard of parents saying, " oh! I really don't know what  i'm doing for my child is enough" or " am i doing the right thing when i tell my boy he knows best".  Both these questions come from guilt, over concern, anxiety for their children.  One parent thinks whatever she does (like monitoring the child's studies) is not enough and another parent wonders by giving freedom of choice to her boy whether she is driving him to over-confidence? If the stay-at-home mother goes through one type of emotion, the working mother experiences different form of stress- basically both coming from guilt.  The mother who does not earn in terms of money, thinks that she is inefficient and not self-worthy and holds herself responsible for every failure particularly where her children's studies are concerned.  Perhaps the degree of guilt is more in the working mother because she thinks she is not physically present for her children and therefore she is likely to  use carrot and stick method more.

We know reward and punishment are always counter productive though they may elicit temporary compliance.  Punishments tend to generate anger, defiance and desire for revenge while rewards may cause children to lose interest in whatever they are doing. Intrinsic motivation, that is an interest in the task for its own sake , is qualitatively different from extrinsic motivation which is completion of the task.

What  we  can see though, is  that the children have positive emotions (such as happiness) and positive physical feelings (such as being well rested and being well fed). As parents, we all know that changes in emotional and physiological states are an inevitable part of children's everyday experience and making them aware of these will help in their performances.

Now to the other side of the coin
If we think reward and retribution are misguided method  we also come across numerous incidents where children manipulate their parents and teachers in different ways.  The growing number of suicides by the students is a great concern to the society as a whole.  In order to combat this evil, the teachers are instructed to form an extremely simple questionnaire and asked to be very lenient in their corrections. The syllabus is also diluted to make it student-friendly. The students do not understand that ultimately they are the ones to suffer because of the poor standard. It is really a catch 22 situation.

The parents' concern (exaggerated in some cases) for their children and the children's lack of clarity  based on numerous factors like communication gap, peer pressure, misguided ideas cause a dilemma. Life is not about success or failure; it is the journey towards the goal.  Our strife becomes more important than the destination itself.

What i see as  a solution is, a free chat between parents and children and if that isn't possible (young ones get very irritated and see the chats as sermons) to contact a knowledgeable person on how to deal with the situation.  A third person will always see things in a different angle because he/she is not emotionally connected. Discussion always helps.

My humble suggestion is that all  the schools should include meditation in their curriculum.  Through my sister who is a principal in a leading school in Calcutta, I learn that many schools have included meditation in their daily routine which is a very welcoming news. Implementation of meditation is very important which will  help the students to focus in their studies and regard their Examinations as a friend and not as a tyrant. Meditation not only sharpens the mind and prepares the students in their academics but also helps them to face life with courage and determination.

                                               Parents rarely let go of their children,
                                               so children let go of them,
                                              They move on. They move away.
                                              The moments that used to define them are covered by
                                              moments of their non accomplishments.

                                               It is not until much later, that
                                              children understand
                                              their stories and all their accomplishments,
                                              sit atop the stories
                                             of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones,
                                             beneath the water of their lives.
                                             Paulo Coelho