Loneliness and Old age


Antony Chekov's short story "Misery" brings forth the importance of listening. The story goes like this: Iona Potapov, the protagonist of this story ,is a father who loses his son to a cruel disease and he yearns to tell his feelings, pains, emotions, anguish, distress to any body who would listen to him.  His pain grows when he sees there is not a single person in the whole village who is ready to share  his sorrow, his affliction in losing his boy.. Finally he goes to his stable and tells a horse his story, how his son suffered on  the journey towards death. He bares his heart to the horse and  that makes him feel better. What does the story tell us?  It is this. Listening is very vital in our life.The person who listens not only gives moral strength to the speaker but his own life is enriched. The mere presence of his, gives solace to the one who bereaves ; the silence says it all. Non-verbal empathy is more important than sympathy in certain circumstances. Silence speaks volumes. We see in our everyday life how patients, particularly, the old, desolate, uncaring ones long  for some physical presence . Yearning to be taken care of, to be heard, to be included , comes from loneliness.

So, old age and loneliness - are they co-related?  Yes, to a large extent. Absence of work, feeling of abandonment, perceived social isolation, loss of mobility, age related disease - all these give rise to negative feelings . Advancing age predisposes people to those experiences which can lead to isolation, bereavement, relocation and retirement. What is striking though, both isolation and loneliness are most common among  women than in men due to the fact that women are more likely to be widowed and living alone. Living alone has been equated with social isolation but not all those living alone are isolated.  In the present social structure living alone has become a choice rather than an imposition.  Almost everyone is well prepared financially so that he/she doesn't have to depend on his/her near and dear ones in old age for their physical needs.

But, is financial independence a replacement for mental loneliness?  In old age people need somebody  to share their thoughts, their experiences, their wisdom and when this does not happen, loneliness torments them.  We find, with each passing year, the mushrooming of old age homes. There are all kinds of such homes starting from providing basic needs to royal luxury and one has the choice of picking according to one's own affordability.  In these old age homes you are given all physical facilities; good food, 24 hour  vigilance, in-house doctors, and for your intellectual needs - various religious discourses, direct involvement in intellectual debates and musical concerts and so on and so forth. But do these facilities stop one from feeling lonely? No. Why is it so? The reason for this may be the absence of a confiding relationship. Loneliness is related inversely to frequency of contact with children and friends but not neighbours. 

What I think is, we should, from an early age, cultivate the habit of satisfaction and curb the desire of expectation. We should also learn to change ourselves according to the needs of time and not expect others to change for us. Let us return  to the habit of  reading books, writing  and be of small help to our neighbours; particularly if the neighbours are young ones, where both husband and wife go to work.  In times of emergency we can drop their children to the bus stop, bring them home which will be appreciated earnestly by the young parents; in turn this will give us immense satisfaction. Not only the isolation from the neighbours does not do good; it may also prove disadvantageous. The greatest thing about the relationship with one's neighbour is there is no emotional attachment which in turn gives rise to freedom and space. Well, in every relationship there is an invisible line which if crossed brings only grievance and sudden end. As long as there is mutual respect, the relationship with neighbours can soar sky high.

So? Old age is not a difficult phase, neither it is necessarily characterized by loneliness and isolation. Evening is an essential part of the day; so also is old age a part of a man's life.  Nobody grows old by living a number of  years- "we become old by deserting our goals".

                                      Said the little boy, "sometimes I drop my spoon."

                                      Said the old man, "I do that too."

                                       The little boy whispered, "I wet my pants."

                                       "I do that too", laughed the little old man,

                                       Said the little boy, "I often cry."

                                       The old man nodded, "so do I."

                                       "But worst of all" said the boy, "it seems

                                        Grown-ups don't pay attention to me."

                                        And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.

                                       "I know what you mean", said the little old man.

   

        

                                                                                   -Shel Silverstein

    

                                               
                                                  Sensitive Relationship


The other day i was listening to a boy (a PU second year student) saying this on air: "Doctor, I don't like my parents. I don't recognize them any more. They undermine my qualities; lay down draconian laws of do's and don'ts, use harsh language, mistrust me and it all hurts me. What do I do, Doctor?"  I could feel the pain, anguish, the fear, the anxiety and the suffering in his voice.  You might, now be interested in the Doctor's reply. The first among many things he said was not to antagonize his parents and always remember that whatever his parents were saying was for his own good and they had their best intentions for him though the method of displaying could be a contentious issue.

When i heard this boy, i felt a tremendous respect for him for the following reasons.
a) He recognized that he was disturbed and that there was an issue here.
b) He identified the cause of the disturbance.
c) He deduced correctly that if he had to end the way he was feeling,  he should be the one to take steps to        
    resolve.
d) He approached a counsellor.

Listening to him I thought we would get to hear many more complaints of this nature ; particularly when the exams are approaching.  This also triggered my thoughts about the relationship between mother and child which we usually consider as the most smooth one. The child  is totally dependent on its parents for its physical and emotional support ; while in its(boy or  girl) growing years  the dependency on the parents diminishes.  I am taking a broader view on this subject and my assessments need not necessarily be applicable to all parents/Children.  What I feel is, during the growing years their needs and priorities change vastly and it may be one of the reasons the relationship seems to get strained. The distance between the parents and children grow wider and both the parties may be unaware of this.  Parents, not conscious of the change do not alter their tactics towards the children while the children think parents are wielding enormous powers ; are insensitive to their feelings and  are interfering monsters.  The tumultuous emotions between the two are most misunderstood by both the parties.

I have heard of parents saying, " oh! I really don't know what  i'm doing for my child is enough" or " am i doing the right thing when i tell my boy he knows best".  Both these questions come from guilt, over concern, anxiety for their children.  One parent thinks whatever she does (like monitoring the child's studies) is not enough and another parent wonders by giving freedom of choice to her boy whether she is driving him to over-confidence? If the stay-at-home mother goes through one type of emotion, the working mother experiences different form of stress- basically both coming from guilt.  The mother who does not earn in terms of money, thinks that she is inefficient and not self-worthy and holds herself responsible for every failure particularly where her children's studies are concerned.  Perhaps the degree of guilt is more in the working mother because she thinks she is not physically present for her children and therefore she is likely to  use carrot and stick method more.

We know reward and punishment are always counter productive though they may elicit temporary compliance.  Punishments tend to generate anger, defiance and desire for revenge while rewards may cause children to lose interest in whatever they are doing. Intrinsic motivation, that is an interest in the task for its own sake , is qualitatively different from extrinsic motivation which is completion of the task.

What  we  can see though, is  that the children have positive emotions (such as happiness) and positive physical feelings (such as being well rested and being well fed). As parents, we all know that changes in emotional and physiological states are an inevitable part of children's everyday experience and making them aware of these will help in their performances.

Now to the other side of the coin
If we think reward and retribution are misguided method  we also come across numerous incidents where children manipulate their parents and teachers in different ways.  The growing number of suicides by the students is a great concern to the society as a whole.  In order to combat this evil, the teachers are instructed to form an extremely simple questionnaire and asked to be very lenient in their corrections. The syllabus is also diluted to make it student-friendly. The students do not understand that ultimately they are the ones to suffer because of the poor standard. It is really a catch 22 situation.

The parents' concern (exaggerated in some cases) for their children and the children's lack of clarity  based on numerous factors like communication gap, peer pressure, misguided ideas cause a dilemma. Life is not about success or failure; it is the journey towards the goal.  Our strife becomes more important than the destination itself.

What i see as  a solution is, a free chat between parents and children and if that isn't possible (young ones get very irritated and see the chats as sermons) to contact a knowledgeable person on how to deal with the situation.  A third person will always see things in a different angle because he/she is not emotionally connected. Discussion always helps.

My humble suggestion is that all  the schools should include meditation in their curriculum.  Through my sister who is a principal in a leading school in Calcutta, I learn that many schools have included meditation in their daily routine which is a very welcoming news. Implementation of meditation is very important which will  help the students to focus in their studies and regard their Examinations as a friend and not as a tyrant. Meditation not only sharpens the mind and prepares the students in their academics but also helps them to face life with courage and determination.

                                               Parents rarely let go of their children,
                                               so children let go of them,
                                              They move on. They move away.
                                              The moments that used to define them are covered by
                                              moments of their non accomplishments.

                                               It is not until much later, that
                                              children understand
                                              their stories and all their accomplishments,
                                              sit atop the stories
                                             of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones,
                                             beneath the water of their lives.
                                             Paulo Coelho

            

             
             

Rajesh Khanna through my eyes

                                     

                                                      Then on the shore,
                                      Of the wide world I stand alone and think,
                                      Till love and fame to nothingness do sink  - John Keats

                                             

                         
Hearing the news of your departure from this orbit, I remembered the above words. For an ordinary person like me your passing away should not have stirred the emotions that I ever thought  I was capable of.  I have, in my life time, heard deaths of so many celebrities that I had felt  a momentary sorrow for them but I was surprised at myself that  my feelings were so intense and so profound on hearing about yours.  May be this had something to do with your recent ad. where you endorsed Havells fans.  My sister asked me (immediately after seeing the ad) what I thought about it and I said the  ad. was pathetic.  I found the whole ad. full of yourself and the tilting of your head showed that you still were in your own world. What was more heart rending was your silent screams craving for your fans' attention.

I felt it would be better for me if I expressed my emotions in  writing  and this  is the reason I am writing about you.  It is beyond doubt that you were an extraordinary actor with immense skills and no body so far has matched in giving continuous hits for years together.  It is an indisputable fact that you were the King of Indian cinemas.  You had enormous impact on your fans and your style of delivering dialogues was very unique.  Coming from you, simple sentences became one liners that brought glory to the dialogue writers.  When you sang "Zindagi" in the movie "Anand" even the sand grains on the beach must have thought how lucky they were to be under your feet and the sea shells must have vied with one another to be tread upon by you.

Never before, in the history of Indian cinema did one witness such a fan following and may be this was when you started your romance with your own self which lasted till your end.  May be it was impossible for any person to handle such unprecedented adulation;  never heard of before in such mammoth proportions.    May be you fought against it initially, but later you succumbed to it.  Before you even realized it, it had engulfed you completely and finally it became your tragedy.

You had all those elements in your character which would bring about one's downfall. I can not but compare you to Julius Caesar for his refusal to see the danger ahead and you remind me of Napoleon's famous words "France has more need of me than I have of France".   Perhaps your personality started showing these elements.This could have been the beginning of your downward journey

Here one can not but draw a study of contrast between you and  another star who was your contemporary and a rival.  Both of you had superb acting talent,  both of you got married around the same time but the comparison ends there.  While you approached your work with your heart, he did it  with his cerebrum.  While you thought you came before the craft he understood the importance of it and that helped him in making  a place for himself in the history of Indian cinema.  His understanding of the priorities, his so called modesty, his adjustment to the passing times are all a lesson to the aspiring actors. I would like to call him a "guide book"

Your portrait on the canvas has a spectrum of colours- each colour representing those elements in your character which are : your arrogance, your insolence, your unacceptableness, your obstinacy, your distress, your solitude, your emotional longing and above all your HONESTY.

 The great Raj Kapoor was once asked what was his most favourite film and pat came the reply "Mera Naam Joker".  He went on to say "all my films are my children.  But when you have a handicapped child among them you tend to love that child more. Similarly, all my films are my favourites but this film perhaps is lacking in something.  That is the reason I like it more than the rest."

  I can easily connect these lines of Raj Kapoor's to your personality and say that what ever you were ,you are ours and we love you more for that.

Find your peace, Mr. Khanna, for you have carved a place in the galaxy.

Monstrous Thoughts

.


The other day my neighbour and I were having a little chit chat in which I was mentioning about Oprah Winfrey’s decision to close down her talk show shortly. As I am an avid fan of Oprah Winfrey I was eulogizing her virtues and her courage to call it a day when she is still in the pinnacle of success. I have personally found it most admirable the way Oprah Winfrey has handled the most sensitive issues in her shows with such insight and tenderness. If she has received accolades for her philanthropic work she also has had her quota of trying times when people dragged her to courts. She has come out as a better soul with every test. When I told my young neighbour that it is not an easy decision to make considering the fact that she has been in the limelight for more than two decades and her work has been so dear to her heart, my neighbour told me she failed to understand what was so remarkable about Oprah’s announcement when she had amassed so much wealth. Given the same situation, my neighbour said, she would have done the same thing.

Although I felt she was callous about Oprah I could sense it was more to do with her problems than with anything else. When I gently asked her about it, she said,
“Oh! It is nothing big but to me it is all very important. Every morning I wake up with anxiety thinking whether my maid would come, whether my children would go to school on time, whether I would be able to get my husband’s breakfast ready, whether my boss would be satisfied with my report. By the time I get ready for the office I am already tired and stressed. I wish I too could call it a day but I have to wait till my children finished their studies. It is so very difficult to have a comfortable life style with a single person’s income. When my needs are fulfilled I will definitely chuck my job”. I knew in my heart my neighbour would never be without a job for she would always find a valid excuse to earn that extra money. Moreover, it is considered the order of the day to put your children in a school, you think, is the best, even if you have to pay through your nose to meet out the demands of the so called elite school. If she thinks her desires are just needs it is okay because she does not expect others to fulfill it, not even her husband. I decided the time was not right to lecture her on her desires which are the root of all problems and about the renunciation. Firstly I should be qualified to talk about it, which I am not, and secondly, I should see whether the person is in the right frame of mind to listen.

What my neighbour said set me thinking about the state of the most working women who have to go through the anxieties day after day. Although a major section of the women in rural India work purely for economic reasons it is the other segment of women who work for reasons other than money that is growing in size. Correspondingly the thought pattern of these women is also similar. Most of them work to have those extra fringe benefits and in pursuit of this they are ready to go through the ordeal day after day. They say, they “have to” go to work instead of saying they “want to”. Their sentences are replete with “putting up with the boss”, “managing the situation”, “manipulating the relationships”, “suppressing the anger”. Many of these women consider working place as drudgery; Monday being the monstrous leader of five successive days and their feelings start showing on their countenance.

In the process of getting economic freedom to spend liberally, they depend more and more on external factors which are not under their control. When things do not happen the way they expect, the leakage of energy starts by way of irritation, anxiety and fury. These play havoc externally not only on themselves but also on the people around them. By the time the day starts they are already stressed out. Internally, any such incident triggers a whole lot of negative thoughts in the mind which go spirally out of control. This leads to emotional stress and depletion of energy. In the long run these thoughts manifest themselves in the form of high blood pressure, high cholesterol, hyper tension which are found to be psychosomatic in nature.

Now is the time to pay attention to our inner thoughts. From birth to death we are engaged in thoughts and our mind has infinite space to harbour them. If only we care to ‘see’, we have more of negative thoughts than of positive thoughts. These negative thoughts, unless discarded, seep into our systems and decide our destiny. It damages the very fibre of our lives even before we are aware of it. It is imperative we see what type of thoughts we store in our minds. We can easily delete waste thoughts from our mind by telling the mind to reject them as soon as they enter. It is not very hard to instruct our mind to say ‘no entry’ to our waste thoughts and direct them to the garbage bin. It requires some practice, no doubt, but it is not impossible. It is our negative thoughts that play hide and seek with us. We have to show our mind that we are the master and not vice versa. It is important to silence the cacophony of our mind and discard the negative thoughts which need great patience and discipline from our part. Unless we keep a check on these negative thoughts they keep surfacing like the recycle bin. What we feed in our mind is more important than what we feed our stomach. The accumulated thoughts in this birth in the negative form will be a great catastrophe which will hinder our process in gaining spiritual strength. Our mind filled with positive thoughts acts as a conduit for our soul to connect with God.

This inward journey of transformation empowers us while even when we are in the journey and the subtle changes to the better are almost immediate. It is a joyous experience and the truth and beauty of it lies not in accomplishment but in our efforts to accomplish, not in perfection but in our strife to be perfect. This is all we need to know on this mother Earth and let our endeavours be a tribute to God.